Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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