then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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