My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
