When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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