Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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