Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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