puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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