the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
