Tell her she can't have a vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
