i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
