it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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