I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
