did you get engaged???
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
