the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I puked a lego.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
