in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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