I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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