you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
