I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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