If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
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i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.