Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night