That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
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I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms