Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
