I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
