My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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