just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
