It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
