I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
