I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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