made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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