I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
