a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
