It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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