there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
