Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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