If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
