She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
