my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
