time to smoke my breakfast
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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