i barfeds in our rink
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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