I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
