No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
