last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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