Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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