He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
