Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
