it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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