This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
