the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
