I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
