i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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