a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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