gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
