my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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