Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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