So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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