Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we're making bets on your personal life
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
