Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
