Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
