Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
