My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
