Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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