My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
