i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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